I always look back...

The last few months of my life have been some of the best and some of the worst. Regardless, it is now time to buckle down, work hard, and grow up. I've been through a lot and i've learned even more, but most importantly, I've learned I need to create my life rather than wasting my time trying to find it. Thanks, to all the people I've crossed paths with in my 20 years, the lessons you've taught me are priceless.


stay true,
Mike.

I never feel as if anything I do or create is good enough to impress anybody, in most cases, it isn't. The times when I'm congratulated for my work never feel real, I always feel like the person telling me is saying it to make me feel good about myself and not because they really believe it themselves. This is also keeping me from feeling loved, it's frustrating me and in return I've been treating people poorly.

Sometimes I wish I was a product of the mellow Midwest. I would be a totally different and maybe better person. After living in Chicago for only 4 months I have come to realize people here are more kind and also easier to get along with than people back in New England. There is no intricate explaination to this conclusion, it's simple. The people here grow up different and there is less bullshit to deal with, people just realize that some things aren't worth getting worked up about and that to be welcoming and kind to new people takes alot less energy than to give them a hard time. One if the most significant things I've learned here is that it takes alot more energy to fight than it does to just be a nice person and think things through before you act on your emotions, which is a great idea but for a person like me who's mind has been established with the fact that being a tough guy and never swallowing your pride is how you should always present yourself it is very hard to become that person. In the 4 months I've been in Chicago I believe I'm well on my way to becoming that person and I've even started to like myself alot more and I've gotten alot accomplished. I love the Midwest and I don't plan on leaving anytime soon, I could raise my family here.

I love my girlfriend and the life I have here with her, with some fine tuning it can be perfect.

I need to learn how to play guitar and sing, I really think it will complete my life. It's like I have these feelings and they need to be withdrawn from my body in some way other than unorganized screaming and crying. If I could do it through music I know I would change as a person.

Don't worry, be happy.

Fcuk, French Connection sucks. FUCK! I just typed a damn good LJ and the internet here at TK decided to shit the bed. Ugh, so frustrating. So, i'll just say this. Thank you for the colored pencils, Linds. When the day comes where I am a famous fashion designer and what I have to say actually means something I'll remember the time you bought me these colored pencils and I'll credit you for my success.

I've been waiting on this my whole life
These dreams be waking me up at night
You say I think I'm never wrong
You know what, maybe you're right, aight...

Kanye West, so fucking good, really.

I wish my mind was tangible so i could squeeze
the ego out of it.

Love always,
Mike

dear, Mike

Go fuck yourself.

Love always,
your brain

I've written enough sad and depressing shit here to rewrite "Letting off the Happiness". Steve wrote me a letter today, he addressed is Mike Rabz...that alone made my day more pleasant. Brian comes on Thursday...If I can compose a good enough reason to cough up the twenty dollar cover charge to see Steve Aoki, we're going to party with him.

stay safe, work hard, party harder.

tour!tour!tour!

It's 4:42am and I should be happy and asleep. I honestly cannot describe the feeling I had today when I realized I was worried about one of my friends in Chicago rather than the person I am usually worried about. I actually stopped to think about it for a second and it made me realize that I need to have other people to worry about and that is what will fix the situation. The whole situation that has been so hard for me is really starting to get better because I am developing real friendships and feelings for other people here in this city. It really is what I need to fix this and you and I both know this. The reason it is 4:42 and I'm not asleep is because I wanted to goto bed happy tonight so fucking bad and I was convinced that I was going to get that oppourtunity and I was not going to do anything to fuck it up, but somehow I fucked it up. I can honestly say it was a mistake and I will say or do anything to convince anybody that aiwytgbhjldkbdjk ahhh this post is stupid and its getting too personal....this should be a fucking email to one person. Again, I'm sorry. I'm not sleeping until I'm happy, I promised myself i'd goto bed happy.